If you are willing I'd like to give you a glimpse from the front lines. I thought maybe I'd share my story. Maybe it might inspire you. Maybe it will create awareness. Maybe you might even pray for families like ours. God knows we need it.
I want to warn you though, you might very well want to click on the red "X" up in the right hand corner of your screen right now. This is a subject a lot of people don't know about, don't want to know about or think they know about....but really don't. It is a subject that is hard to read about. It is a world that some families live in and sometimes feel very alone in. It is difficult to understand unless you really want to understand or you are living it. We are living it. It is our abbreviated story of what it was like adopting two very hurt children from the foster care system. You can not really get children from the government any other way, they all come a bit broken. In the process you get broken too. It is impossible to avoid.
I am married to good man. I will call him "Baseball". We have two biological children. I will call them "Heart" and "Ballerina". Now we have enjoyed raising Heart and Ballerina so very much. We felt we had room in our hearts to love and raise other children so we prayed and prayed and prayed! We felt God was leading us to adopt. We undertook months and months of classes and preparations in excited anticipation of our child or children coming home to live with us. June 12, 2006 we drove a couple hours away to pick up a sibling group that were legal risk, meaning the biological parents were about to lose custody because of their addiction to crystal meth. We were excited, scared and overjoyed all at the same time. "Football" was an 3 year old energetic little boy with a cupid face and his younger 1 year old sister a shy dark haired beauty that I will call "Princess". As we drove home our two new foster children peacefully slept in their car seats. It was so calm. The blissful drive home was no indicator of what was to come.
Evening came and something else came with it. Pain and Fear. Lots of it. Howling, crying, head banging, screaming, anger and lots and lots of hate. We expected some adjusting but it kept escalating for days. Fecal smearing, peeing and vomiting all over the house intentionally, destroying drapes, blankets and clothes was a daily occurrence for us.......for months. Roaming through out the house all through the night and the most amazing escapes you could ever imagine were becoming commonplace. We didn't sleep anymore. Stealing and hoarding food and eating like they had never eaten before was constant. Uncontrollable rages would happen each time Football had a visit with the birth parents, when they would show up and were not high. I learned quickly to hold him away from my face after suffering a few bloody lips from him bashing his head into my mouth and teeth. Princess would become sick to her stomach and not have a bowel movement for days after visiting birth parents. We wondered what we had done. We wondered if we did the right thing. We wondered could we take it back (yes, really). We thought maybe we couldn't handle it. All our family and friends saw were two people who should be smiling all the time, but looked exhausted and frustrated. They probably saw us as ungrateful for our new blessings. The caseworkers wouldn't give us much information and were in our house constantly. We found out later that they knew what we didn't. They knew these behaviors had taken place at other foster homes the kids had been in before. They didn't tell us. They knew many things about the kids. They knew what the children had lived through and hospitalizations they had. They didn't divulge any of that information to us that would have been very helpful in dealing with all the trauma that was occuring in our home. Instead we were confused, demoralized and incredibly fatigued. We couldn't figure out what we were doing wrong.These behaviors went on, continually for a year with only small improvements and very few breaks. Football went to preschool. The behaviors there became more severe. Hurting others, stealing, cutting up clothing, controlling and manipulating children and adults.We took the kids to a psychiatrist. Diagnosis: Reactive Attachment Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD. I did my homework. I studied and I learned. Love was not and is not enough. I was trying to solve it with love alone and although they needed love, it was not all they needed. I stopped being a victim. I started fighting for them. I took control, so they wouldn't have to. I took control so they wouldn't be afraid anymore. I created boundaries. I wouldn't let them hurt themselves, others or me anymore! The behaviors lessened, but still persisted. Weakness on my part was no longer an option. Football sees all women as weak and they scare him. She (birth mom) was weak, I had to be strong. Kindness was seen as a threat and created insecurity. I had to walk a tight rope between loving and creating respect thereby creating security. Some days I did it well. Other days I didn't. It was hard and completely at odds with my instincts.
I want to warn you though, you might very well want to click on the red "X" up in the right hand corner of your screen right now. This is a subject a lot of people don't know about, don't want to know about or think they know about....but really don't. It is a subject that is hard to read about. It is a world that some families live in and sometimes feel very alone in. It is difficult to understand unless you really want to understand or you are living it. We are living it. It is our abbreviated story of what it was like adopting two very hurt children from the foster care system. You can not really get children from the government any other way, they all come a bit broken. In the process you get broken too. It is impossible to avoid.
I am married to good man. I will call him "Baseball". We have two biological children. I will call them "Heart" and "Ballerina". Now we have enjoyed raising Heart and Ballerina so very much. We felt we had room in our hearts to love and raise other children so we prayed and prayed and prayed! We felt God was leading us to adopt. We undertook months and months of classes and preparations in excited anticipation of our child or children coming home to live with us. June 12, 2006 we drove a couple hours away to pick up a sibling group that were legal risk, meaning the biological parents were about to lose custody because of their addiction to crystal meth. We were excited, scared and overjoyed all at the same time. "Football" was an 3 year old energetic little boy with a cupid face and his younger 1 year old sister a shy dark haired beauty that I will call "Princess". As we drove home our two new foster children peacefully slept in their car seats. It was so calm. The blissful drive home was no indicator of what was to come.
Evening came and something else came with it. Pain and Fear. Lots of it. Howling, crying, head banging, screaming, anger and lots and lots of hate. We expected some adjusting but it kept escalating for days. Fecal smearing, peeing and vomiting all over the house intentionally, destroying drapes, blankets and clothes was a daily occurrence for us.......for months. Roaming through out the house all through the night and the most amazing escapes you could ever imagine were becoming commonplace. We didn't sleep anymore. Stealing and hoarding food and eating like they had never eaten before was constant. Uncontrollable rages would happen each time Football had a visit with the birth parents, when they would show up and were not high. I learned quickly to hold him away from my face after suffering a few bloody lips from him bashing his head into my mouth and teeth. Princess would become sick to her stomach and not have a bowel movement for days after visiting birth parents. We wondered what we had done. We wondered if we did the right thing. We wondered could we take it back (yes, really). We thought maybe we couldn't handle it. All our family and friends saw were two people who should be smiling all the time, but looked exhausted and frustrated. They probably saw us as ungrateful for our new blessings. The caseworkers wouldn't give us much information and were in our house constantly. We found out later that they knew what we didn't. They knew these behaviors had taken place at other foster homes the kids had been in before. They didn't tell us. They knew many things about the kids. They knew what the children had lived through and hospitalizations they had. They didn't divulge any of that information to us that would have been very helpful in dealing with all the trauma that was occuring in our home. Instead we were confused, demoralized and incredibly fatigued. We couldn't figure out what we were doing wrong.These behaviors went on, continually for a year with only small improvements and very few breaks. Football went to preschool. The behaviors there became more severe. Hurting others, stealing, cutting up clothing, controlling and manipulating children and adults.We took the kids to a psychiatrist. Diagnosis: Reactive Attachment Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD. I did my homework. I studied and I learned. Love was not and is not enough. I was trying to solve it with love alone and although they needed love, it was not all they needed. I stopped being a victim. I started fighting for them. I took control, so they wouldn't have to. I took control so they wouldn't be afraid anymore. I created boundaries. I wouldn't let them hurt themselves, others or me anymore! The behaviors lessened, but still persisted. Weakness on my part was no longer an option. Football sees all women as weak and they scare him. She (birth mom) was weak, I had to be strong. Kindness was seen as a threat and created insecurity. I had to walk a tight rope between loving and creating respect thereby creating security. Some days I did it well. Other days I didn't. It was hard and completely at odds with my instincts.
Biological mom was neglectful, I had to meet needs. She was undependable, I had to be a rock. She went away, I had to stay. So I stayed. We stayed. Baseball, myself, Heart and Ballerina adopted them and made them part of our family in September of 2007.
Football is healing. He doesn't do well in new situations. He can smell a weak female from a mile away and they scare him into needing to control everything and everybody. Relatives have fallen prey to his manipulation. He is really good at it! He is very charming and physically affectionate to strangers which is very scary. Stealing is still an issue from time to time. The rages are rare now. Princess has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and has destroyed pillows, stuffed animals and has a continual drive to tear things up. She covers herself in her own spit at nap time some days. She doesn't like the sound of bathwater or toilets. She gets hysterical. Unclean hands flip her out and she can't understand why the veins in her hands won't wash away. She is learning to coach herself to not be afraid and sometimes she can get through it OK. Princess is healing too. They are some of the sweetest kids you would ever meet and if I didn't tell you, you would never know the war we have fought and are still fighting.
There are thousands and thousands of broken babies out there. There are well meaning foster and adoptive parents that had no idea it would be like this. They thought if they just loved enough that it could heal all wounds. Parenting broken children requires all you have and then more. It isn't for the weak at heart. It isn't at all like parenting biological children and it is almost completely opposite. Parents of hurting children really need support to do what they have to do each and every day.
The world likes to pretend these children don't exist and the responsibility has been given to the government. The government with all its good intentions helps break babies. The word of God gives a mandate to the church about caring for orphans. I see now how this charge has been neglected. I regret that I never "saw" these children before. I regret that the church by and large, with a few exceptions, does not see them at all.
James 1:27 Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.
Bringing foster children or adopted children into your home is a ministry. It isn't just growing your family. These kids are hurting. Any selfishness or preconceived ideas you may have about raising children will be altered. I wish now that we had known, but then again if we did we quite honestly might have backed out. We are human and this is hard. I am glad now that we didn't know. These are our kids and I wouldn't change that for all the world.
Please, please, please if you are still here and you haven't clicked on the "red X" in the right hand corner, thank you and please pray for the orphans in this world. Pray for the families that take on this war. It is a war, not against the children, but for the healing of their hearts.
More Than A Conqueror
Football is healing. He doesn't do well in new situations. He can smell a weak female from a mile away and they scare him into needing to control everything and everybody. Relatives have fallen prey to his manipulation. He is really good at it! He is very charming and physically affectionate to strangers which is very scary. Stealing is still an issue from time to time. The rages are rare now. Princess has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and has destroyed pillows, stuffed animals and has a continual drive to tear things up. She covers herself in her own spit at nap time some days. She doesn't like the sound of bathwater or toilets. She gets hysterical. Unclean hands flip her out and she can't understand why the veins in her hands won't wash away. She is learning to coach herself to not be afraid and sometimes she can get through it OK. Princess is healing too. They are some of the sweetest kids you would ever meet and if I didn't tell you, you would never know the war we have fought and are still fighting.
There are thousands and thousands of broken babies out there. There are well meaning foster and adoptive parents that had no idea it would be like this. They thought if they just loved enough that it could heal all wounds. Parenting broken children requires all you have and then more. It isn't for the weak at heart. It isn't at all like parenting biological children and it is almost completely opposite. Parents of hurting children really need support to do what they have to do each and every day.
The world likes to pretend these children don't exist and the responsibility has been given to the government. The government with all its good intentions helps break babies. The word of God gives a mandate to the church about caring for orphans. I see now how this charge has been neglected. I regret that I never "saw" these children before. I regret that the church by and large, with a few exceptions, does not see them at all.
James 1:27 Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.
Bringing foster children or adopted children into your home is a ministry. It isn't just growing your family. These kids are hurting. Any selfishness or preconceived ideas you may have about raising children will be altered. I wish now that we had known, but then again if we did we quite honestly might have backed out. We are human and this is hard. I am glad now that we didn't know. These are our kids and I wouldn't change that for all the world.
Please, please, please if you are still here and you haven't clicked on the "red X" in the right hand corner, thank you and please pray for the orphans in this world. Pray for the families that take on this war. It is a war, not against the children, but for the healing of their hearts.
More Than A Conqueror
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