Wednesday, June 17, 2009

A Glimpse From The Front Lines






If you are willing I'd like to give you a glimpse from the front lines. I thought maybe I'd share my story. Maybe it might inspire you. Maybe it will create awareness. Maybe you might even pray for families like ours. God knows we need it.

I want to warn you though, you might very well want to click on the red "X" up in the right hand corner of your screen right now. This is a subject a lot of people don't know about, don't want to know about or think they know about....but really don't. It is a subject that is hard to read about. It is a world that some families live in and sometimes feel very alone in. It is difficult to understand unless you really want to understand or you are living it. We are living it. It is our abbreviated story of what it was like adopting two very hurt children from the foster care system. You can not really get children from the government any other way, they all come a bit broken. In the process you get broken too. It is impossible to avoid.

I am married to good man. I will call him "Baseball". We have two biological children. I will call them "Heart" and "Ballerina". Now we have enjoyed raising Heart and Ballerina so very much. We felt we had room in our hearts to love and raise other children so we prayed and prayed and prayed! We felt God was leading us to adopt. We undertook months and months of classes and preparations in excited anticipation of our child or children coming home to live with us. June 12, 2006 we drove a couple hours away to pick up a sibling group that were legal risk, meaning the biological parents were about to lose custody because of their addiction to crystal meth. We were excited, scared and overjoyed all at the same time. "Football" was an 3 year old energetic little boy with a cupid face and his younger 1 year old sister a shy dark haired beauty that I will call "Princess". As we drove home our two new foster children peacefully slept in their car seats. It was so calm. The blissful drive home was no indicator of what was to come.

Evening came and something else came with it. Pain and Fear. Lots of it. Howling, crying, head banging, screaming, anger and lots and lots of hate. We expected some adjusting but it kept escalating for days. Fecal smearing, peeing and vomiting all over the house intentionally, destroying drapes, blankets and clothes was a daily occurrence for us.......for months. Roaming through out the house all through the night and the most amazing escapes you could ever imagine were becoming commonplace. We didn't sleep anymore. Stealing and hoarding food and eating like they had never eaten before was constant. Uncontrollable rages would happen each time Football had a visit with the birth parents, when they would show up and were not high. I learned quickly to hold him away from my face after suffering a few bloody lips from him bashing his head into my mouth and teeth. Princess would become sick to her stomach and not have a bowel movement for days after visiting birth parents. We wondered what we had done. We wondered if we did the right thing. We wondered could we take it back (yes, really). We thought maybe we couldn't handle it. All our family and friends saw were two people who should be smiling all the time, but looked exhausted and frustrated. They probably saw us as ungrateful for our new blessings. The caseworkers wouldn't give us much information and were in our house constantly. We found out later that they knew what we didn't. They knew these behaviors had taken place at other foster homes the kids had been in before. They didn't tell us. They knew many things about the kids. They knew what the children had lived through and hospitalizations they had. They didn't divulge any of that information to us that would have been very helpful in dealing with all the trauma that was occuring in our home. Instead we were confused, demoralized and incredibly fatigued. We couldn't figure out what we were doing wrong.These behaviors went on, continually for a year with only small improvements and very few breaks. Football went to preschool. The behaviors there became more severe. Hurting others, stealing, cutting up clothing, controlling and manipulating children and adults.We took the kids to a psychiatrist. Diagnosis: Reactive Attachment Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD. I did my homework. I studied and I learned. Love was not and is not enough. I was trying to solve it with love alone and although they needed love, it was not all they needed. I stopped being a victim. I started fighting for them. I took control, so they wouldn't have to. I took control so they wouldn't be afraid anymore. I created boundaries. I wouldn't let them hurt themselves, others or me anymore! The behaviors lessened, but still persisted. Weakness on my part was no longer an option. Football sees all women as weak and they scare him. She (birth mom) was weak, I had to be strong. Kindness was seen as a threat and created insecurity. I had to walk a tight rope between loving and creating respect thereby creating security. Some days I did it well. Other days I didn't. It was hard and completely at odds with my instincts.
Biological mom was neglectful, I had to meet needs. She was undependable, I had to be a rock. She went away, I had to stay. So I stayed. We stayed. Baseball, myself, Heart and Ballerina adopted them and made them part of our family in September of 2007.

Football is healing. He doesn't do well in new situations. He can smell a weak female from a mile away and they scare him into needing to control everything and everybody. Relatives have fallen prey to his manipulation. He is really good at it! He is very charming and physically affectionate to strangers which is very scary. Stealing is still an issue from time to time. The rages are rare now. Princess has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and has destroyed pillows, stuffed animals and has a continual drive to tear things up. She covers herself in her own spit at nap time some days. She doesn't like the sound of bathwater or toilets. She gets hysterical. Unclean hands flip her out and she can't understand why the veins in her hands won't wash away. She is learning to coach herself to not be afraid and sometimes she can get through it OK. Princess is healing too. They are some of the sweetest kids you would ever meet and if I didn't tell you, you would never know the war we have fought and are still fighting.

There are thousands and thousands of broken babies out there. There are well meaning foster and adoptive parents that had no idea it would be like this. They thought if they just loved enough that it could heal all wounds. Parenting broken children requires all you have and then more. It isn't for the weak at heart. It isn't at all like parenting biological children and it is almost completely opposite. Parents of hurting children really need support to do what they have to do each and every day.

The world likes to pretend these children don't exist and the responsibility has been given to the government. The government with all its good intentions helps break babies. The word of God gives a mandate to the church about caring for orphans. I see now how this charge has been neglected. I regret that I never "saw" these children before. I regret that the church by and large, with a few exceptions, does not see them at all.

James 1:27 Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.

Bringing foster children or adopted children into your home is a ministry. It isn't just growing your family. These kids are hurting. Any selfishness or preconceived ideas you may have about raising children will be altered. I wish now that we had known, but then again if we did we quite honestly might have backed out. We are human and this is hard. I am glad now that we didn't know. These are our kids and I wouldn't change that for all the world.

Please, please, please if you are still here and you haven't clicked on the "red X" in the right hand corner, thank you and please pray for the orphans in this world. Pray for the families that take on this war. It is a war, not against the children, but for the healing of their hearts.

More Than A Conqueror

Saturday, June 13, 2009

ABLE!!!


When I was in college part of my nursing program was assisting in a physical education class designed for disabled adults. I have to be honest when I say I began the class with an attitude of pity for them. I felt sorry for them. As a 19 year old I didn't have a lot of life experience or much of an understanding of others. The folks there quickly educated me on who they were and what they expected. It was a very valuable life experience for me. They taught me a lot about respect, boundaries and personal ability.

There was one woman I worked with that I will never forget. I will call her June. June suffered with Multiple Sclerosis. She was completely wheel chair bound at this time. It was my job to help June with machines created to keep her muscles toned and prevent atrophy. The machines created movements similar to walking and other activities, but in positions that could accommodated a person in a wheelchair. At first I handled June like fine China. I was fearful of hurting her. I would start the machines on low and not move them up. I talked to her with what I thought was compassion, but looking back on it I spoke to her as if she was an infant. June was a very smart woman. She understood very quickly that I was pitying her because of her disability. I wasn't challenging her or helping her to rise to another level. June had enrolled in the program to be helped and enabled, not pitied. June's mind was completely in tact and she gave me a piece of it that day! June was one tough cookie.

Initially, I was hurt. Here I was trying to help this woman and she just read me the right act! In time I began to see that she was right. My attitude changed and by the end of the semester June and I had become partners in her progress and it was really hard to say goodbye to my new friend. She was an incredible teacher. She passed away a few years later.

In parenting children with emotional disabilities I have been drawing on those lessons that June and others like her taught me. I have not perfect at it. I'd be the first one to tell you that. Here are just a few:

1.) Don't pity me. In my mind that keeps me "disabled" and I want to see myself and be seen as able!

2.) Challenge me. Never except a mediocre attempt from me at anything. You are going to have to push me at times. I want to feel successful!

3.) Be a leader not a mush! You will keep me sick if I can walk on you and others. I can't respect you if you don't take the lead.
4.) Don't take it personal. I am hurting and it isn't about you!


5.) Love me, even when I am not lovable. Love and pity are not the same thing and I know the difference.


June was a real gift to me. I didn't know that I would one day adopt two children. I had no idea I would adopt a child with reactive attachment disorder. God did. He knew all of it then. He used June to open my eyes and educate me. I am still learning. This is a new world to me in many ways. I do believe in my heart God will continue to show me the way and help me to accomplish His will. Where I am unable, He is ABLE.


2 Corinthians 9:8:8 And God will generously provide all you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over to share with others.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Its Not Personal


I really try hard to understand the motivations of others. I especially try to understand when they are unkind to me. I wonder if they had a difficult childhood. I wonder if they are sick. I wonder if they are depressed. I try to imagine why they behave the way they do. Are they angry because they are lonely? Do I remind them of someone that hurt them? What do I represent in their minds that angers them? Perhaps they are having trouble in their marriage or with a child or relative? What happened to certain individuals to produce such coldness? Was it something I did or said? I confess, I can easily make it about me. Am I the only one who does this?

Some people don't let things bother them. They walk around wearing steel coats or something and nothing, it seems, absolutely nothing seems penetrate their hearts. Sometimes I beg God to be like that. "A little less tender please God? Make my heart hard steel please." And God speaks to my heart and says, "No. This is who I have made you to be."
I have become more guarded over the years, having had my nose slapped a few good times like a disobedient puppy. However, down deep the assaults haven't destroyed the tenderness. I might try really hard to act like things don't hurt, but they do. There is so much I don't understand about human behavior. I don't know that I ever will. I think that is OK and probably very correct that I don't.

Understanding the negative behavior of others would give me the illusion that I have the ability to change it. It might motivate me to act or behave in a certain way to produce a given result. It then becomes about me again. I think it is only supposed to be about Him.

How do I handle this Lord? What do you want me to do? How do I respond to another person's unkindness? His answer for me resides in His Word. It is in an understanding, not so much of the person or of myself, but of the spiritual realm and my responsibility in the battles that take place there.

Matthew 5
44But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

Ephesians 6
10In conclusion, be strong in the Lord [be empowered through your union with Him]; draw your strength from Him [that strength which His boundless might provides].

Ephesians 6
12For we are not wrestling with flesh and blood [contending only with physical opponents], but against the despotisms, against the powers, against [the master spirits who are] the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly (supernatural) sphere.

So if I am obedient to the Word of God it goes like this:
1.) Love them, bless them, do good to them and pray for them that use me and persecute me.

2.) Stand in His power, not mine. It isn't about me. It is about Him.

3.) Understand that this encounter is meant to bring defeat in the heavenly realms and that my response, or lack there of is crucial to the battle. My beef is not with the person, but with the evil and wickedness that rules in this present darkness.

God loves all of us. He wants us to love others, even when they don't seem very lovable. When He was up on the cross, dying and bleeding, He didn't give His life just for the "nice" people that never rock the boat. He looked down at the very people crucifying him and asked His Father in heaven to forgive them and understand that they did not know what they were doing. He died for the cranky, mean, judgemental, hateful, unkind, rude, insensitive etc., etc. In other words, sinners...... all of us.

Precious Lord, help me to love. Help me God not to make others actions about me or about them. Help me God to continually understand that it is all about You and to love others as You do, being no respecter of persons and desiring that all should come to know You as Lord and Savior. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Monday, June 1, 2009

What Is Your Object Of Faith?


In the last eight years of my life and in the life of my family, we have weathered many storms. I am sure some of you reading this have as well. I have felt the fire licking at my heels at times. I have been tried, tested and stretched as far as I thought I could go....and then just a little bit more. When I first accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior seventeen years ago, I was elated to be in relationship with him and saved from the life I was living at the time. I knew exactly what I was saved from. I had lived a very worldly existence. I naively thought that things would be easier and life would not be the struggle it was before. I quickly learned that was not the case. I had a peace I had never had before, a wonderful Lord that is always with me and a place in eternity with Him. However, I still live on planet earth and I still have my own dying flesh and a relentless adversary to contend with. As a new believer I looked to others for examples on how to walk this Christian walk. I have had some incredible people walk with me in different seasons of my growth. For that provision I am forever grateful to God. I have also seen some unkindness in professing believers that at the time shook me to my very core. "Friendly fire" so to speak. The kind of treatment and behavior that the world judges us all by.

I have come to the conclusion that God doesn't will for us to go through maltreatment or neglect at the hands of other believers, but He does allow it and He does use these experiences in our lives to draw us closer to Him. If we always depend on others to feel "OK" would we look to Him? If other people had all the answers and never made a mistake would we search Him out for wisdom and guidance? If our "pillars of strength" in human form could hold us up in all circumstances would we ever become broken, weak and tired enough to seek Him? I wouldn't have. Honestly. It is easier to depend on someone you can see with your eyes and hear with your ears. It does not require faith. Others can quickly become an object of dependence! Often we are not even aware that we have put them in that position. That being said, being just human beings, they will inevitably fail. Whether that be an actual failure in integrity, that they physically pass away or they simply just don't have the ability or resources to hold you up, people are not meant to be objects of faith. Even very godly individuals are merely flesh and blood. So whether it is a marriage, friendship or any relationship we must never put our faith in another human being. To do so is to court pain, disillusionment and disappointment.

So I ask you today, who or what is your object of faith? Have you put your faith in a person or group of people? Have you put your faith in a situation or arrangement? A job or career? Your own self sufficiency perhaps? I tend to. I am being very honest now. Over the years I have had to refocus my faith and put it back where it belongs. My faith rests in God alone. All else is just sinking sand.
Deuteronomy 13:4:4 Serve only the Lord your God and fear him alone. Obey his commands, listen to his voice, and cling to him.