Taking Down A High Place

I am just shy of my 40th birthday. I feel like I am just figuring it out. I have been a bit of a "Pollyanna" most of my life, but in the last few years that has really been changing. The last few years have pretty much broken me in so many ways. I know now, deep in my heart, that I can do nothing on my own. All of it is only possible with Him. The days I forget to lean on Him are the days I fall the hardest. There have been a few of those days lately. The good news is that I took approval down, once again, as an object of worship. I thought that it was gone, that deep need to be understood, loved and accepted by others. Truth, there are some people in this world that will never, ever approve of you, understand you or respect you and being a dancing monkey and performing for them your whole life does not honor God. God took me back to square one again. I have chosen to forgive, stop seeking that approval, deal with the aftermath and move on with God, but quite honestly it has been a heck of struggle. I have always thought if I could "do" enough somehow that would be acceptable to others, but that is a big lie. The truth is I know who He says I am and that is enough.

I took on more than two foster children 3 years ago (now adopted), I took on a ministry. My family took on a ministry. It has stripped me of me. It has solidified in my heart the deep need for God to direct all my steps. It has made me seek the Holy Spirit and His leading when I can't see between the lines and when I am tempted to do it as the world does, the easy way. There are no easy ways. There are no easy answers. I can't and won't go into all the "not so nice" details of the things I have seen and experienced as a result of my son's reactive attachment disorder. I will protect his and our privacy. I think that is really important to him. He didn't ask for his circumstances, but has to learn to function in society without needing to control it. I will simply testify to what God has done in me as a result. I have developed a new level of self respect and self love I have never had. Not because of anything I have done, but because of what He has done. Not because of anything I am, but because of who He is.

All that matters, all that will ever matter is what He thinks of me. Jesus said He would bring division, and He does in many, many ways. That is a painful thing, but not necessarily a bad thing.



2 Corinthians 12:9:9
Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.