Pride, Pain and the Process

Early this summer I injured my back. It came on the heels of some other very stressful stuff. I have never been that incapacitated in my life. Not even when I partially amputated a finger 4 years ago. The pain was out of this world and the intensity dragged on for weeks. My back was in a constant state of spasm. I am not a "pain killer" person. I typically use herbs to manage everything that might come up. But, this injury forced me to succumb to that, just to keep my sanity. I thought I would never say this, but my 24 and 21 hour labors' with my children, paled in comparison to how this felt. With a lot of prayer from wonderful family and friends, neuromuscular treatment and chiropractic care, I have recovered fairly well. I have apparently, do to wear and tear, lost a lot of my two lower disks and one is protruding outward and I have injured my hip joint as well. Unfortunately, it forced my hand to close my business, because you see, what I do for a living is very physical. I just can't risk my health anymore. Letting go of a successful business after 10 years hasn't been easy. I will just say it was and it wasn't. It is really complicated and I am filled with mixed emotions.

I am really grateful to be improving. Please don't get me wrong. I have made some serious progress and this has forced me to take a hard look at how I treat my body, how I eat and how I manage stress. But, the hardest thing for me has been depending on others to help me. Since I was a little girl I have been fiercely independent. I was raised with the belief that I should never depend on anyone or ask anyone for help, because they will always expect something in return or hold it over your head. To some degree I have experienced that from time to time in my adult life, but by and large that is not true of everyone. Isn't it awful that pattern of thought is ingrained in my mind? I would not be completely honest if I did not tell you that I am wrestling with this still. I just didn't know it, because there were no circumstances difficult enough to test and see if that deeply ingrained thought pattern was still there, until recently. And....it was still there. It is really difficult for me to ask anyone for help! Can you relate? If you can, lets pray for one another to overcome this and be delivered of it, OK? It's pride and it's not pretty. If you cannot, then good for you. I hope to be like you one day. It's a process and I am getting there even if I trip on things from time to time on the way.

Well, anyway, I was thinking about how this applies or effects my walk with my Creator, because He is really most important in my life. I mean that will all sincerity. If you know me, really know me, you'd know that is true. I don't always love Him perfectly like I should, but I am learning. To please Him is my deepest desire. To worship Him in complete Spirit and in the depth of His Truth my heart's call. I was searching my heart and wondering if there are things I do not fully surrender to Him. Are there things I hold back? Ways I don't trust Him completely? To Him, I know that trust, that faith in Him, is His desire of me, for it is impossible to please Him without it. It is His most important love language. Am I loving Him, completely, the way I should? If I answer that honestly, then I'd say, no, not all the time. Not that I don't have the desire too. It's just sometimes I don't know how.

I really believe in my heart of hearts that trials and difficulties are about much more than causing us pain or making us miserable. It may look like that at the time, but even if He didn't do it or bring it upon us, for some reason it was allowed by Him. Nothing comes to us for no reason at all. Sometimes it is because of our own actions or lack of actions and sometimes like Yahshua said in John 11:4 it is so that the "Father may be glorified" when we come out the other side and are healed, relieved and or delivered. Sometimes I think it is just because we live in a fallen world full of corruption and our bodies are corruptible and decaying as we age. Whatever various trials befall us in this life isn't as important as learning what we can learn from them when they do happen. I am in the process of trying to do that. I am the last person that would say I have arrived or ever will for that matter. I don't claim to understand everything and I think that is OK. I think I'd rather be here, asking Him to show me and confessing I just don't know, than delude myself into thinking I have it all together and am some sort of spiritual giant. I'd rather be honest. As if we think He doesn't know anyway. We are funny creatures aren't we?

His Word says in James 1:2 "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy" and Romans 5:3-4 says "And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope."

These days I am filled with great hope about the future. No, not about the economy or really anything in this world. Just about Him. That He will finish the good work He has started in us and bring it completion. That His kingdom is coming! That one day I will no longer have to contend with the corruptible flesh that continually tries to get in the way of my relationship with Him. He is where I place my hope. I even have joy in the uncertainty. I am not always "happy" about the challenges the day brings or the happenings in our world. My joy is found in Him!! Joy is a different thing all together then happiness. It is so far superior.

I do hope that what I have written will bless you. I hope if you have had some challenges of late, like I have, that you will be encouraged in knowing that you are not alone in them.

Many blessings in Messiah Yahshua to you!