**This is not meant to offend anyone, it is just the truth of my experiences and what Yahweh did in my heart and is doing in my heart as a result. Nor is this meant as an indictment on any individual. Names are not used. It IS a revealing of some of the problems of a system that needs repair. **Rewind to a few years ago. We received a call that a church member had a cardiac arrest and was in the hospital. At just 42 years old, a wife and mother of a young daughter lay there in a hospital bed dying. As we gathered in her room to pray for her I heard her husband say these words, "honey, you thought no one loved you, but look at all the people who have come to see you!" She never regained consciousness and passed away a few days latter.
It was at that moment, in that hospital room, that I realized things were terribly broken. I have never been able to forget those words he spoke. Quite honestly, I didn't know her. We sat in lots of meetings together and we got things done. There were countless potlucks, leadership meetings, Vacation Bible Schools and Women's Ministry functions over the years where we hashed out details for this program or that program and this event or that event. She really didn't seem like she liked me very much, so I didn't pursue a friendship. She was incredibly organized and a very dedicated servant in our church. I had a lot of respect for her. And all this time she thought no one loved her. I thought to myself, what in the world is wrong with me that I have been in this church for 10 years and I don't even know this woman and she thought I didn't love her. What is wrong with all of us that she never felt loved by us? What is wrong in the church, all churches, that anyone feels this way? This woman went to her grave thinking that no one at our church loved her.
This experience affected me profoundly and deeply. It really, among other things, began a paradigm shift in me that continues today. I wondered how lonely and hurt she might have been. I knew there were cliques in our church and that some people were "in" and some people were "out". I never considered myself either and always tried to pay little attention to them, but certain other church members that were considered "out" would come to me and confide in me the pain of feeling not included in certain groups in our church. I'd pray with them and encourage them to overlook it and try to convince them that it really wasn't like that, or perhaps it was their "own insecurities" I would suggest. How arrogant of me! Looking back on that it breaks my heart that I invalidated their feelings like that and did not even try to acknowledge the problem, the pain this caused them or even attempt to do anything about it. "Get busy with service, then you won't think about it", I thought. I kept my self busy with "service" and I think that is how I dealt with the isolation and lack of intimacy with fellow "church family". When my fellow church member passed away I began to realize that much of what I had thought was a "family" was an illusion and wishful thinking on my part. There were a few people I was close to, but not many really knew my struggles or pain and I certainly wasn't going to share them lest I be labeled divisive, a complainer, nonspiritual or negative. I confess that appearances can be very important in the church. That is not the case with all, but to many of us appearances take precedence over reality and that is really tragic. I was one of those people. I am being honest.
You know life is funny. You can put on a strong front for a while but eventually something or some things come into your life and shake everything up. The jig is up. You can stop the act and you quite frankly don't have a choice but to "get real" because life can get that tough and yes, very, very overwhelming. In my life that came in the shape of adopting two kids from the foster care system with emotional problems, coping with social services, birth family visits and court dates, family and marital difficulties, a accident, a surgery, a death in the family and the crashing and burning of the third church leadership I had served under. Yes, all of that happened pretty much in the same time period. When it rains, it pours, right!? I know that is not unique, other people have problems too. What I found out through all this has been invaluable to me albeit very painful in the process. I really collapsed emotionally and spiritually during that time and never before did I need a "family" more. Unfortunately my blood relatives live far way and that has been the case my entire married life. I took a chance and tried to reach out to church family to ask for help but I think the level of crisis in the church from the recent leadership issues and just the sheer uncomfortableness of someone who acted "like they had it all together" having a crisis, caught people completely off guard, made them uncomfortable, not to mention they probably just didn't know how to help us...so they just looked away. The expectation to serve due to declining help in the church was as heavy as ever on me and honestly I was completely tapped out. I'd spend all week taking care of a little boy that was out of his pain trying to literally destroy our house, our family and his school and then go to church on Sunday and take care of 10 two year olds every week because the teacher didn't show up. I wanted to do the right thing but I was in no shape to serve anymore. I was hurting, lonely and completely exhausted. I needed help and I needed understanding without judgement.
My husband could no longer come with me to church because his shift at work changed and with him gone there was no one to sit with or talk to and beyond the simple "hi and hello" I was pretty much alone. We both felt our time was done there and honestly I don't think our leaving was really felt. The business of church, whatever church it is, must go on and it did.
I was deeply disappointed and really began to question what I believed. I began to question everything these men and the christian church had taught me over the years. These men were gifted orators that morally fell hurting their wives and children and destroying their families and the church in the process. I realize they are not gods just human flesh and blood, but I had quite honestly put them all up on too high a pedestal. I had put the church up on too high a pedestal. I expected the church to be a family to me, a family I didn't have rooted in our common faith in Jesus Christ. I expected someone to tell what to do or at least have a good cry with me. What I found instead was a flawed institution, a business, a cult of personalities and teachings and cliques. I expected them to have my back, but instead they turned their backs. I was angry, hurt and confused and wondering what was real anymore.
In time I forgave. In time I began to heal. I had learned some valuable lessons though all of this and the paradigm shift started to take root in my mind and in my heart and I began to taste freedom for the first time in a very long time. I began to seek Yahshua (Jesus) in a way that I had never had before and walk my own walk with Him independent from the tradition and teaching of men. I have learned to think, reason and evaluate the Word for myself and I am learning to truly seek and worship Him in Spirit and Truth. I have learned to meet with Him at His appointed times, not the appointed times of man and how important obedience is to Him. This has brought a new level of intimacy with my Lord that I have never experienced before. I haven't arrived and I know there is a lot more to learn. Every day is exciting as I wait and see what He has to show me! I feel in many ways like I have been born again....again!
So here are some things I have learned on this journey I am on:
1.) Sincerity, love, character, humility, truth and virtue are needed in churches and fellowships. NOT more programs or ministries. The ministry will flow from the love we have the Lord and for one another, not from a mission statement, a meeting, a building or a social clique. READ TITUS!!
2.) The church should not be run like a business, but like a family. Run from these! Acts 2
3.) You need to be somewhere where you can be honest and not face judgement. Take your mask off. If they can't handle what they see move on, in love. Ephesians 4:15
4.) Don't ever assume that someone feels loved or accepted, show them, even if they are a bit prickly. You might not even begin to understand how lonely they are. You might never get that opportunity again, so do it now! Invest in the life of another person without expecting a return. 1 Corinthians 13:4
5.) Don't seek signs or wonders, seek Him. Matt. 24:23-25, Matt. 12:38-39
6.) Don't get caught up in the talent or gifts of teachers. If their life doesn't match their words there is a problem. If their words and actions do not reflect a desire to seek the Word run! Matt. 24:23-25, Matt. 12:38-39
7.) Respect authority, but never be anywhere where you can not question a teaching or disagree with something. It should be OK to agree to disagree sometimes and still love one another. If you can not ask questions this is a red flag! 2 Timothy 2:15
Love and Shalom!!
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