I'm a Liar....Ok, Was

Disclaimer: This could be offensive, it's not meant to be, it's truthful. Read on if you are game.

I have made a discovery. I am a liar. No, I don't write bad checks, steal or cheat on my taxes. I feel guilty for not putting my shopping cart away in the supermarket parking lot. I am not an obvious liar. Well, at least it wasn't very obvious to me.

Isn't it funny how we don't realize things about ourselves until we are much older and have fought a few bloody rounds in the boxing match of life? Funny, well maybe not, comical, yes. I think some things only come with age, unless of course you are extraordinary. I am not extraordinary, I just pretend to be. I could play extraordinary on TV, but I am not extraordinary. I am just me. It sometimes takes some serious hard knocks for me to learn.

Somehow, long ago, I got it in my head that acting OK meant you are OK. I also thought acting nice made you nice. Being quiet and not telling people how you really feel made you polite and a "lady". Taking others verbal jabs and digs made you brave, a martyr and honorable. The list goes on and on and on......You could probably add a few of your own erroneous "self narratives".

I think society is rather supportive of this self narrative. Don't you? Here is a quiz: What are you "supposed" to say when you are at church or your fellowship and someone asks, "how are you?". You are "supposed" to say, "I am fine, thank you. How are you?" and then expect the very same response, whether you are OK or not. I used to be quite good at this. I am not so good at this anymore. That is making me so uncomfortable, you have no idea, but perhaps it's meant to.

It's so automatic. I mean it turns on before you know it does. After a while you begin to realize you are rather resentful towards certain people. (Not you, come on, you're great! ;) )You have a hard time being in the same room with them. The problem at this point is that you are so detached from yourself you don't even know why you are so uncomfortable around them. You have ceased to exist. You are just a piece of dutiful furniture at that point jumping when told to jump and ignoring what is wrong deep inside. You are angry and you don't even know it. You are walking in unforgiveness and you are not even aware of it. The resentment has been building and now you are just numb inside.

The problem with these self narratives is that they are big, fat, ugly LIES! The worst part about it, beside lying to Abba, is that you have betrayed yourself. I have BETRAYED myself!!  Not to mention you have betrayed the person or persons you are lying to. Did I say "lying", yes that is what I said. If you tell them the truth they may run the other way. Yes, they may leave you. But, I have started to ask myself, are these the relationships I really want to have? Is there any possibility of having an close friendship with a person like that? They are comfortable with the "pretend you", the one that does what they expect, because that is who they think you are. But you are not that person are you? That person will never have the opportunity to grow past their issues and neither will you if you are not truthful. You will never have a close relationship and it's not their fault, it's yours. They may grow, they may not, but you could provide them that opportunity if you'd just tell the truth. It is worth the risk? Yes, I believe it is.

The Word says that "you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free." (John 8:32) What does that mean? I think it is fairly multi-dimensional like most everything in YHWH's Word. It has many applications. His Truth is endless and I could really go down a rabbit trail right now, but I won't. For this purpose, the writing of this blog, I think it means to be genuine and authentic. Face who you are. Know the truth about who you are and ask Father to change that about you if it doesn't line up with His Word and cooperate with Him when He brings about circumstances in your life to accomplish that. Ouch....I know.

I have had some serious circumstances brought into my life. Physical issues, depression, along with a special needs adopted child that hurts others, almost daily, for 6 years, to deal with his pain are just a few of them. Everyone has "stuff" and that's just mine...... currently. These challenges are provoking me to become increasingly more honest with myself and with others. This is painful. I won't lie (LOL). Some people have and will walk away as a result. It can be a bit much to deal with some days, I get that. I guess, at this point, I'd rather have that then live another day not being real with the people in my life. I guess I'd prefer to have warriors come alongside me then pretend for people's benefit that I am OK everyday just to keep them as friends.

So maybe you are not like me. You are honest. Good for you! There is no guessing what you think or feel. You pretty much tell it like it is.........but maybe you don't see the skid marks you left on the person you just ran over? It happens. But, I think there is a remedy. Just humor me here. I think the Word provides it.

Ephesians 4:15
^"Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ."

So, maturity is being truthful, but doing it in a loving way. If we, as a body of believers, desire to be mature and function in what He has called us to do, then we need to get real with one another, but do it lovingly. How amazing would that be and how much more could we be one and a powerful force to be reckoned with then? I believe it's possible and it will happen, one day. Watch out when it does!

I am learning, every day. If this is what my 40s have shown me I am going to be seriously blown away by the 50s! I am so grateful that He hasn't given up me. I am so grateful for Him.

Many blessings and love to you in Messiah.

Pistachio Ice Cream

1Corinthians 12:11-20  But one and the same Spirit works all these, distributing to each one individually as He intends.  For as the body is one and has many members, but all the members of that one body, being many, are one body, so also is the Messiah. For indeed by one Spirit we were all immersed into one body, whether Yehuḏim or Greeks, whether slaves or free, and we were all made to drink into one Spirit. For indeed the body is not one member but many. If the foot says, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” does it therefore not belong to the body? And if the ear says, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” does it therefore not belong to the body? If all the body was an eye, where would be the hearing? If all hearing, where would be the smelling? But now Elohim has set the members, each one of them, in the body, even as He pleased. And if they all had been one member, where would the body be? And now, there are indeed many members, but one body.


In 2007, the morning of my husbands birthday, I was preparing breakfast for my two youngest children. I was trying hard to keep them quiet. I really wanted them to sleep late and not disturb their father. However, they are both early risers, were very little and very noisy and my hope was that getting them busy eating breakfast would occupy them so that they would remain quite in hopes my husband could get some well deserved rest on his birthday. My husband has frequently worked odd shifts and has always worked very hard. I so wanted to give him an opportunity to rest! I was rushing to accomplish my goal of keeping the house quiet. I reached up to get a bowl out of the cupboard. One of the glass bowls, next to others began to topple. It had a crack in it that I did not realize was there. Soon it was falling and out of instinct I reached up to catch it before it hit the tile floor. The bowl broke on my hand, mostly severing my left pinkie finger. Instead of sleeping late, my husband was soon racing me to the emergency room so that the artery in my finger could be repaired and I would not bleed to death. Dramatic huh? I didn't even begin to think that my day would turn out that way. My plan to make my husbands birthday a special and relaxing one did not work out very well. I had a devastating injury to my finger and hand. Besides being in extreme pain, I was really frustrated that life had thrown me one big curve ball. During this time in my life Father would show me how much He truly was my Provider and all I needed.

I would face a difficult rehabilitation period. At the time my business required me to work with my hands, so obviously my income was gone until I recovered. My injury was fairly severe and the doctor was unable to repair the tendon or nerves completely although thankfully he was able to reattach the finger. Today, I have little to no feeling in my finger and cannot straighten it, but it is attached and for that I am grateful. I did go back to work in 8 weeks, even though my physician attempted to discourage me. I was extremely determined to continue to work. With grateful smiles, I let his negative rambling go in one ear and out the other. He was a good surgeon, but a very poor cheerleader and I was resolute to not let his warnings take root in my mind or in my heart. On top of all that, we were weeks away from adopting our two youngest children, whom we had fostered for almost two years. A loss in income would not look good to the committee considering our petition to adopt the kids. My world, in just a few hours, looked very different than it had before. All this from one little member becoming detached from my body. Amazing.

During my rehabilitation I found out what it was like to do everyday tasks without any involvement from my left hand as I was in a cast up to my elbow. Zipping zippers was the worst and would take me anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour in the beginning. Changing the diapers of a wiggly toddler was an incredible challenge. Washing dishes took hours. Washing my hair was very slow and difficult and required, embarrassingly, assistance. Driving carpool, though possible, was a challenge. At the time, although I had some very special individuals willing to help me, I needed to learn how to function and I tried to limit their involvement as much as possible in hopes of accomplishing my goals independently. It was very, very hard. Especially for someone as independent as myself.

I recall this story, not to gross you out or gain any kind of sympathy, but to make a point of how devastating it is to a body to lose a member. I have been part of three church catastrophes and have seen all sorts of devastation and loss within the body of Messiah. I have seen the "little ones" run out of the back of the fellowship devastated that their leader has fallen morally. I have seen brother against brother, sister against sister and new fellowships spring up built entirely on offense. I have been part of the "house church" movement where all that is discussed is how upset they are with the corporate church. The Word of God is rarely even brought up. Sure, we learn to function without everyone present, but I ask, is it really supposed to be that way? Is this what Messiah is coming back for? His body strewn all over the place and in pieces? The hand not working with the ear and the foot ticked off at the eye? The knee fully opposed to the elbow? The mouth shouting out insults to the shoulder. I happen to know from personal experience what it is like to loose an actual member of my physical body and many times I think how wonderful it would have been to just let that dish drop and shatter rather than catch it and lose my finger. Some things are just not worth catching. And I suppose ....some are. Though, dare I say, far less less than one would imagine.

My dear family. The time is approaching that so much of what we consider important is going to pale in comparison to what really is. We need each other. Is it OK to agree to disagree? Is it OK to love your brother when you don't see eye to eye? It better be. If we are truly seeking to follow the Torah do we not have enough, individually, to focus on ourselves? In doing so, focusing on our own growth, our own walk with Messiah, we set a wonderful example to others and with the involvement of the Ruach Ha'Kodesh, the Holy Spirit, they will be motivated to examine their own hearts if they truly want to please Elohim.

Since I have been seeking to understand my Hebrew Roots all sorts of wonderful things have happened. My family has come into order as has my marriage. I also feel a confidence to correctly discern many things. Things that are not of Him do not intimidate me anymore because I better understand what is of Him and what is not. I am not perfect, and I continually work towards growth in Messiah, but none the less, I have the sincere illumination of the Word to evaluate all sorts of men's doctrine and teaching and that is more than sufficient to make a decent judgement. I don't need to follow any crowd or a trend. I follow my Savior and that is enough. I don't feel the need for everyone to agree with me and I don't get offended when they don't. This to me is a valuable characteristic of true freedom. I am so grateful to be here and I know that He is not done with me, thankfully.

Focus needs to be given on what we as a Body, the Body of Messiah, can accomplish. Time grows short my family. This is more crucial than ever before.

Some people like Vanilla Ice Cream. Some people like Chocolate. Some people like Pistachio. I personally love Pistachio. Really anything with nuts! I don't eat a lot of ice cream because I am kind of a health nut (long story), but if I was going to eat any ice cream in the world, it would be Pistachio! We all have giftings and personal tastes and as long as those giftings and personal tastes do not oppose His Word they should be allowed to flourish within the body. If I am a foot I may not grip something as a hand does, but does that make the hand wrong or flawed? No, it is just a hand and it has it's unique, important role. Appreciate it's role in the Body of Messiah! It is just silly to criticize a hand for being a hand as it is to chastise a foot for being a foot!

Don't run away or stay home when the body doesn't behave as it should. Stick around and be an example so that it may line up with the Word of Elohim. The body will imitate what self differentiates and is bold in it's execution of the Word if it is truly the Body of Messiah. Don't grow discouraged family when folks don't think your way is the best. Flexibility on non doctrinal issues is a hallmark of maturity and wisdom. Conversely, take a stand on issues that are eternal, life giving and essential. In other words, deal with what really matters but let the old worthless bowl hit the floor and shatter lest it take a member with it!

I hope my simple stories help you in some way. I hope they encourage you and strengthen you for the coming days. They won't be easy. Let's stick together, okay?! Thank you Mishpocha, for being my Mishpocha, my family. I am so grateful for you!!

More than a Conqueror.

Examine My Heart

I found this on Torah Teachers.com and thought it was excellent. So I grabbed it and posted it here. Like Victor I agree with this guy on pretty much all he says. A little Hebraic understanding to this would make it even better, but it is excellent and something that should motivate many of us, who choose Him, who desire to please Him, who are "over" doing it the way everyone else does it, to continually exam our hearts. Aren't we suppose to do that? It is so easy, I mean so VERY easy to get sucked into the "world" and they way the "world operates." Our churches, bible studies, study groups, congregations......whatever, are not exempt from that temptation. I don't want to think that somehow I have arrived. I don't want to ever be content with my flesh. I want to continually die to myself and be made alive in Him. I don't want to except less or embrace what is not His best for me. In this day, this is what we need to hear. I DON'T EVER WANT TO LOSE SIGHT OF WHAT HE HAS DONE FOR ME!  More than a Conqueror.

Psalm 139
O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall[a] on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.

Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God!
Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.
For they speak against You wickedly;
Your enemies take Your name in vain.[c]
Do I not hate them, O LORD, who hate You?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
I hate them with perfect hatred;
I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.